Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

Teach your children to beatbox

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

good let them take over I have had enough