Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence