interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
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[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I’m the neighbor
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe