Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

good work, everybody

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”