interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Canada has crack?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why