Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.