INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
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attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
His flabber was gasted 😂
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.