INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
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Great game to play with friends
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.
Why? Just why? 😂
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Close call…
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Here to help
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.