Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

out-housing market appears to be strong

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals