Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

Mornin

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too