Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

Merry Christmas

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife