Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh hi lol

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!

Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.

4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

True?

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

eating my hot dog hamburger style

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.