Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

🤨

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend