Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

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*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now


i hear. a borking. in the distance. this means. i too. must bork. so that everyone knows. i heard. the initial borking. it’s common courtesy


Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.


Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?


To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.


Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.


DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-


A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it


In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth… The rest was made in China.