“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
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Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.