@ThugRaccoons

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

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@fro_vo

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

@dog_feelings

i hear. a borking. in the distance. this means. i too. must bork. so that everyone knows. i heard. the initial borking. it’s common courtesy

@AndLookPretty

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

@iscoff

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

@KateWhineHall

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

@heysarahsweeney

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

@roxiqt

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

@a_olivia4212

A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it

@soul_crazzy

In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth… The rest was made in China.