Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
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There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Oh my god
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
The dark side of Canada
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.