Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

bros in the example zone 😭

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.