Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!