Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

No one:

Absolutely no one:

My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

get you a girl who

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell