interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?