interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
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THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Extremely relatable.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.