Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

I think this should do it.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

Happy weekend !

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored