Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

Always the camel, never the toe.

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

Mouse

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.