interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
You Might Also Like
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.