interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
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Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Hmm, not sure about this change
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up