Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

Received some very disappointing news today

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

Banderslack Clamberdorch

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.