Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
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My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?