Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

Passed by a old school Math example today.

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again