Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

I’m not sorry.

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.