Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

me:

Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?