INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
How to draw a duck
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.