Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.