Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

It’s his time

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

(True)

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’