Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

at ease…shoulder.

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol