Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
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Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.