Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.