Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move