Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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this has done me in for some reason
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
realest tweet ever.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa