Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

Would you wear it?

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

broke down and did it

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.