Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
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Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes