Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

For cardio I live beyond my means.