Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
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[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
*has no idea what a book even is*
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Not even remotely sorry.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life