Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

Passed by a old school Math example today.

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

Still a very good boi….

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground