Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
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I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!