Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.