Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
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Genius.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
This dude got his own movie?
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
The Backseat Boys
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
men, we mow at sunrise.
A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun
And shouts “This is a stick-up!”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.