INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
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Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Who does Amazon think I am?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.