INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
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Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
😭😭😭
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.