Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

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COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”


Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.


*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*


This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁


Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper


Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.


Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion


I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?