Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

That eye roll….

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

Vodka burrito was a success

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

I occasionally drink every single night.