Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
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I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.