Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
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Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.