Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

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The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.


Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you


My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.


[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason


Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.


*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*


In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.


in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”