@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

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@naazihah

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

@T_Bonezzz_

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

@notmythirdrodeo

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

@AndrewChamings

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

@OldSpice

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

@nicfit75

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

@WheelTod

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

@jonnysun

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”