Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
You Might Also Like
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]