Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
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[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?