interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
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Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
True statement👍😏😁
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too