interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
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*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Aw man, but that’s the best part
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Matthew was born for this.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
