interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.