interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
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Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Tony Hawk, age 6
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
💀💀
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic