Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.