Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
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My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit