Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
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I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
goldfish mafia
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water