Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

me irl

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

(True)

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.