Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
