Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
