Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
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me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.