Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

Passwords are more important than ever.

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.