Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

life lately

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

No Google it does not

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”