Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

Meow?

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey