Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

Trumpy Cat

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—

ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.

INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—

ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person