Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
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The Weeknd is back
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I am, perchance
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I have accidentally spilled an entire jar of marmalade inside my hat.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”