Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
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Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
wow he looks just like him
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”