Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.