Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
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If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”