Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

They got Raph!

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

Why am I like this?

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!