Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
You Might Also Like
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
TODAY
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.