Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
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Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
how to have fun when you’re poor
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.