Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
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*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls