Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
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It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.