Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time