Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

Print is alive and well!!!

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

Me: I wish something of mine would go viral.

*youngest comes home from school with the flu*

Me: Not like that.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:

“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

bad
worse
worst
worchester

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

“What movie?” 🤔

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.