Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
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These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
A short story of betrayal:
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
*bites zombie*
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist