Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

🥴

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

*mops up wine with cat*

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february