Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
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Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”