Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

same but as an audience member

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.