interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
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Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
just pretend nothing happened
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I must learn to listen to myself when I tell myself to shut up.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube