INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
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*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy